Well fuck my old boots! Don't you just love those days when you get awarenesses of things that have been locking you up for years that just pop, seemingly out of nowhere and apropos of nothing you're thinking about or contemplating. 

So here I am, making myself a nice cup of earl grey tea, and thinking about my radio show (Playground of Possibilities ) and the episode I'm about to pre-record. And... BOOOM! There it is. Out of nowhere. Wanna know what the boom was?

I have a capacity with kindness that is beyond anything I have ever acknowledged or could have imagined.

Yeah sure I thought I was being kind. I can't tell you the number of times people have been brought to tears by things I've done for them - and I don't mean tears of pain and anger here. I mean tears of gratitude and joy. I kind of stood there not really getting it. Not really willing to acknowledge just how kind I had been. Because, for me, what I did was so natural and so normal. And after all, isn't kindness something that's huge and has bells and whistles and fireworks and where you end up actually in detriment as a result. I completely I get that I've bastardised kindness to mean I have to have been mean to me for it to have been true kindness!

And here's the next rub... I've been truly kind to some people in my life who couldn't receive it. So when it came back to bit me on the ass I thought I'd done kindness wrong, or hadn't been kind and so made myself wrong for it! Cute but not bright eh?!

I realise I have been living most of my life in the fantasy that if I'm kind to people they will receive it AND that they will in turn be kind to me. You can imagine the crap that's created for me! My unwillingness to be aware of what people could receive AND my unwillingness to acknowledge the true and phenomenal kindness I Be has fucked me over more times than a prostitute on a busy work night!

So.... there it is. Awareness. What did I get from all this? Another nudge to a) acknowledge just how freaking awesome I am, and b) to ask a bloody question about what people can receive!

And breathing
 


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